Thank You Letter to Self Loathing (2017)

Dear Self Loathing,

You taint my image with your words cutting my esteem to gravel and covering it in soot. You carry my weaknesses and overpower my strengths until they are nonexistent. You won.

Finally I’ve learned, I understand…

I am meek, weak and quiet. I am nothing. I say the wrong things. I speak without thinking. Of course you are right, I finally got it, I hear you. I’ve learned to listen…

So I lock my thoughts, feelings and opinions away with chains deep into darkness because they are not valid. I must have been delusional. Power is not me because I am not powerful, strength is not me because I am not strong. Confidence and believing in me is not me because I am not confident and I don’t believe. I mean…Duh You won.

I am less than. I am lacking. I am worthless heartless and careless. I am not worthy. No need for further reassurance, its clear that you’ve won.

You guided me to be anything but me. You praised my facade because it served you. You loved me for not being me. You encouraged me to be everything but me because I am not good enough as me. Thank goodness I was trained properly, I passed the test and I learned not to be me. You won.

I exclaim with titillating excitement and fear because It's time to participate again. Tears that stream for miles as I pay amaje to the dissipating figure I see. Goodbye meek weak quiet shadow as you leave without a second look at me. 

You are done without warning. You float and then whirl away without me. You are dwindling and then fade. I can't catch you anymore. 

Emerging is the fluttering free flight of light. Your flickering hesitation slowly surrounds me until you are all that I see.

Incapable of being maintained, you sore and sparkle as if created out of levitating crystals - beautiful untouchable embracing ...Me

I am blinded by strength, power, conviction, assertiveness, wisdom. It is overpowering and breaks free so that I can see…. Me

Thank you Self Loathing,

Without you I would not have found Me.