WHO?

Not to say you are gone

but your presence does escape me from time to time

not to say your gaze is not met

but it does escape me from time to time

not to say your name is not known

but it does escape me from time to time

not to say your sky is cloudy

but it looks like rain to me

PAIN GO AWAY (2005)

Pain go away.

Leave me with the lesson.

Don’t tease me with your presence.

You come out of the blue with your destructive eye.

Looking for a target.

Does it always have to be me?

Torture unmeasured.

Relief out of my reach.

Pain.. it seeks me.

ALWAYS (3/18/2000)

Always;

You keep me safe,

You keep me warm,

I am not scared when I am in your arms.

Always;

You make me laugh,

You make me smile,

I am lucky to be your child.

Always;

You leave me with hope,

You leave me with joy,

Thank you God for giving me Roy.

Always;

You show me confidence,

You show me happiness,

Thank you for showing me I can be the greatest.

Always;

You cared for me when I was unhappy,

You cared for me when you combed my hair; because it was nappy,

I am proud to call you my Daddy.

HELP ME

With encouragement I run to shoulders buried in the clouds

with arms so strong they support the sky

fingertips stretched; reaching for me

I cry to this light and beg the light, asking for help

the light vibrates the sea and softens the sun

it excites the night that lightens the souls

dark before but now so bright

I run to this light with a pleading, a needing

the light shortens the storm and extends the sea

finally embracing me.

QUESTION SESSION:

What do I mean to you? Your slave, your doormat, your yes woman? Something to talk at and bore with your banter. Am I not human in your eyes? Am I not necessary? Then why not purchase a doll, a dummy to sit in the spot I kept warm for so long. What would be the distinction? I no longer know how to console, massage, or join in the pot of pity you, feel your sorrow, affirm your anger. So what does this mean? What happens now? Silence? Forgotten? Oh yes, useless I must be.

HAPPINESS (2005)

I see you in the distance.

In awe I admire your image.

You blind me with your spirit.

Can I touch you for a moment?

Can I feel your breath just once?

You smile at me from afar.

Come here, let me see you.

Ok, hold on, stay… I’ll come there.

Or meet me half way, okay?

Your beauty is an enticing tease.

As close as I am I can’t be without.

Wait don’t leave !

Why would you smile and then deceive?

I’ve lost you?

No need to look anymore.

Squinting is a waste.

Happiness? You left me…..

I can no longer see your face.

REAP WHAT YOU SEW

You can try to beat me down with your comments, tear down my name and strip my pride.

No matter how hard you try I won’t flinch to a lie.

Your thoughts may try to decrease me and leave me with tears

cut out my hopes and bring out my fears but-

no matter how hard you try my confidence and strength will be exemplified.

With all of your bull and your unwillingness to recognize your flaws, trying so hard to be fake-kind.

I’ll continue to acknowledge and rectify mine.

You can pay your tithes and give to the poor but unless you acknowledge your faults you’ll continue to sit and never sore-

see my heart and mind won’t let me feel the negative heat because my optimistic spirit can not be shutdown, 

like Maya Angelou I rise… while watching you fall

Thank You Letter to Self Loathing (2017)

Dear Self Loathing,

You taint my image with your words cutting my esteem to gravel and covering it in soot. You carry my weaknesses and overpower my strengths until they are nonexistent. You won.

Finally I’ve learned, I understand…

I am meek, weak and quiet. I am nothing. I say the wrong things. I speak without thinking. Of course you are right, I finally got it, I hear you. I’ve learned to listen…

So I lock my thoughts, feelings and opinions away with chains deep into darkness because they are not valid. I must have been delusional. Power is not me because I am not powerful, strength is not me because I am not strong. Confidence and believing in me is not me because I am not confident and I don’t believe. I mean…Duh You won.

I am less than. I am lacking. I am worthless heartless and careless. I am not worthy. No need for further reassurance, its clear that you’ve won.

You guided me to be anything but me. You praised my facade because it served you. You loved me for not being me. You encouraged me to be everything but me because I am not good enough as me. Thank goodness I was trained properly, I passed the test and I learned not to be me. You won.

I exclaim with titillating excitement and fear because It's time to participate again. Tears that stream for miles as I pay amaje to the dissipating figure I see. Goodbye meek weak quiet shadow as you leave without a second look at me. 

You are done without warning. You float and then whirl away without me. You are dwindling and then fade. I can't catch you anymore. 

Emerging is the fluttering free flight of light. Your flickering hesitation slowly surrounds me until you are all that I see.

Incapable of being maintained, you sore and sparkle as if created out of levitating crystals - beautiful untouchable embracing ...Me

I am blinded by strength, power, conviction, assertiveness, wisdom. It is overpowering and breaks free so that I can see…. Me

Thank you Self Loathing,

Without you I would not have found Me.

Mahalo!